The Wild Tchoupitoulas- A Bloog

Jimm suffers so you don't have to pt. 32

2007-11-11T19:35:00.001-05:00

Saturday we went to the Fabulous Food Show at the IX Center. We got in free from Janine's employer (or The Cleveland Wine School- not sure which). For free, it was OK. If if had paid $25 bucks to get in, I would've punched someone's fucking jaw loose.

It was your basic maze-of-vendor-booths-type-thing. There were celebrity chefs there and now that chefs are all rock stars, most attendees were in line either for autographs or in the auditorium for the food shows (think: Otters in Pinniped Theatre at Sea World), leaving the vendor floor relatively open. I would've loved to have seen Alton Brown but FUCK THAT. I ain't waiting in line next to Bernie from Berea, running his lip for 45 minutes while we wait to get in. Ain't doin' it for the Gemini at Cedar Point. Ain't doin' it for Alton Brown.

Seriously: Is this pretentious bullshit or am I just a jerk?
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I did see Giada (Giardia?) de Laurentiis , whom I've never heard of before Saturday, walk through the crowd with security. Speaking of rock stars- just like musical entertainers, newscasting and other trite entertainment, women have no hope of getting anywhere in the celebrity chef business unless they could also do a Playboy spread (I'm a Julia Child man, myself). She's fairly attractive and has about a 15" waist. I'm sure she'll be rolling around with Nigella Lawson in the pages of Maxim in no time, smeared with a rich, sweet cassis sauce, no doubt (surprise below). The noise from the TV auditorium was like from a baseball stadium where a home run is hit every 45 seconds. RIDE THAT WAVE guys, there are worse things for people to be obsessed with. Well, now that everyone weighs a quarter of a metric ton- maybe this isn't the best time for all of America to fall in love with Haute Cuisine. In my opinion, this was a place that truly needed Richard Simmons running loose, if ever there was one.

I wrote the cassis sauce comment before doing the image search.
I SWEAR TO GOD!!

As usual, the wine area was full of young women (and very old women) dressed like sluts. But the best part was the huge section devoted to Giant Eagle . It was packed! Hundreds of idiots drove out to the freaking IX Center and paid twenty-five bucks to hang out at their local neighborhood (barely adequate, over-priced) grocery store!

I'm a dude, I like gadgets. I like kitchen gadgets and BBQ grilling gadgets. I was hoping to see some truly innovative stuff. But really, the place was full of people hawking little bags of shit and (what was the word Janine used? ...oh yes-) tacky tchotchkes. Like ("For Instance", for you literate types) a wine bottle holder that was actually a pirate head, "drinking" the bottle of wine . It wasn't even ceramic like Grandma used to make. It was some horrible resin compound surely painted by an 8-year old in China who works 16 hours a day.

You've got to be kidding me.

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I did pick up a Turkey Cannon cheap. It was the only thing new to me. I call it a Turkey Tailpipe. Janine is certain that before this invention people used to do this on Mustang exhaust systems. I can see a turkey on every tailpipe at a Nelson Ledges biker rally. It was provided by the Campchef peoples.

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Other places that were of interest to us:

The first conversation I had was with a fellow from Trevarrow, Inc. named Matt. This place is pretty cool- like the Viking store on MONEY. They sell Sub-Zero and Wolf Products. We had an enlightening conversation about range hoods, which I fear I may need as my entire kitchen has a 3mm coating of bacon grease. We used terminology such as " C.F.M." and "Joist" so I know the conversation was good. He even gave me a heads-up on tech websites like Fantech and Bestbybroan . Very cool, even if their show room is out in Brooke Park. And all of this is new to me. When I first heard about Sub-Zero appliances, I thought the -20 freezers we had at work were coming into vogue.

Calise Outdoor Kitchens -These people make pretty hideous outdoor patios for summer-lovin' yuppies. But I was intrigued by some of the island design concepts and their site is just lousy with pictures of attractive women in warm-weather clothing. What are we selling here? Who cares?

Kitsch*nGlam is a lot of fun. Anna Michelle Wang makes aprons that look like party dresses. She had a nice rack (heh heh) of aprons for $5 each. Further inspection shows that the main inventory is around $40 each, which, while alarming, I think is still cheaper than the ones at Anthropologie. On her website they are (deep breath) $61.60

We met a lovely Amish lady whose husband owns JMJ Alternative Heating out in Middlefield. They had a Quadra-Fire stove on display, which was just awesome. We want 2 wood-burning stoves for our house. I assumed we'd end up with a Soapstone. But Quadra-Fires are better looking. Plus, they use Advanced Combustion Technology ®, TM (how that differs from "Catalytic" burning, I don't know just yet). But I'm still learning about this stuff. I'm happy that they are so close to my home.

Natural Remi-Teas has good stuff. But they didn't seem like they could possibly want to talk to people any less. But hey, you want a giant bag of Star Anise or Hops? It was sittin' right there. I take the Natural Remedies thing with a grain of salt. I mean, I trust that nature does truly hold the cures for most of what ails us. But I do know all-natural Kumquat juice can be sold as Snake Oil. Also, I don't think we necessarily need to ingest more natural extracts to fight unnatural toxins as much as we need to just avoid the unnatural toxins.

Lastly, Leeners is very cool. They've taken the basic beer-making-at-home kit idea and expanded it to pretty much any food that is made with enzymes. I'm THERE. You can likely find links to all other vendors on the FFS website.

So that is all. Be glad you didn't have to go. Don't be sad that you missed Alton Brown either. It would have been a chore.

~Jimm

Owen & Mzee (Sweetie, dont read!)

2007-07-30T20:23:00.001-05:00

You know what's cool about the Tsunami that hit SE Asia near Christmas back in ought-four? No Animals washed up on any beaches. No mass-animal deaths were reported anywhere along the coast of a whole freaking continent. Two, actually! Now, I'm not one of those deviants who cheers when the "wasteful, destructive, world-consuming and world-destroying" humans get screwed over by nature like it was some freaking morality play. Many people are not phazed by the idea of whole populations of mostly women and children being starved out like in Darfur but they cry when they see a kitten with a cold. Those people are misguided.

I'm just saying, that crazy natural-disaster telepathy animals have is freaking awesome. I think people have it, too. We've just lost it. Too many Fritos ads or something crossed the wires in our noodles. We've been reduced to "Oh-oh! Big storm's a-comin'! I can feel it in my knees!"

You remember Owen & Mzee don't you? It was the cute story of the baby hippo who was washed out by the Tsunami. The hippo ends up somehow with a 130-year-old tortoise in a zoo and they adopt each other. I found a great little book today, based on their NYTimes Bestseller.
How that book was longer than this paragraph, I'll never know.

Anyway, the book has a great little twist at the end- the Back cover, technically. Here it is in its hastily, low quality-scanned, entirety:

OK, Here's the kicker:

It took three people to write this??!! Plus a photographer?? Wow! No wonder it was seven bucks for six pages! The photographer couldn't have penned this? What? Are all of the liberal arts jobs federally protected now and no one told me? Damn unions!

And what is it teaching? Dammit, seven bucks for a children's picture book, you'd better be teaching my kid something. I fail to see a lesson here.

It advertises the second in a series, but it doesn't mention the last book where the Zoo admits that its job is to represent nature, no matter how cute the unlikely friendship. Owen is separated from Mzee and moved to a cement bunker in a zoo in India where shoeless schoolchildren throw pop cans at him. He grows old rubbing sores on a lonely old tree while dreaming of nestling with Mzee who is dead anyway.
The end.

OK, I'm kind of a cynic.

~Jimm

Apis Gideon

2007-07-23T20:30:00.000-05:00

I have an ill-conceived birdbath that is hated by birds. It's supposed to hang by chains and it seems that birds hate swinging water baths. Really, how comfortable would you be in a clawfoot tub swinging 15 feet up in an oak tree?

I placed it on my deck to stabilize it but birds still hate it. But now bees use it. I get one about every 3 minutes. Curiously they only enter by the chain holes but they will leave normally. Neat, huh?
I wish I had a Macro lens. One day I will and get a better vid.

~Jimm

Lactivism

2007-07-22T12:33:00.000-05:00

I have a friend who is a new mother and she's all into this what's - your - big - fucking - problem - with - public - breast - feeding movement (affectionately known as Lactivism ). I completely support them. They have a cute little webcomic called Hathor the Cow Goddess which she shares with me occasionally. I was visiting Hathor's Visitor's Map and I couldn't help but think that those people who wandered in from India had something completely different in mind. Not to mentiion Egyptions.

That's really all.

Can you imagine what a debate like this has to look like to non-Western countries? We have to look absolutely retarded.

Clean and Natural, people

~Jimm

I would just like to say

2007-06-30T19:19:00.000-05:00

We made a DAMN fine-looking tomato salad today.

Man, I had to smack 'em down on Youtube

2007-06-29T20:21:00.000-05:00

This is my poor, sweet tortoise.
I call her "Tortoise"
But they can't hear worth a damn, so actually I call her "TORTOISE!!"
Her story will be revealed below.

A year ago when I started all of this Myspace/Blog/Youtube stuff I put up some pointless movies I had on my computer. A few seconds here and there, mostly of my pets-just to see how it works. I don't really check into the messages too often. But I happened to stop by today and well, you know how those Youtube chats get. I stay away. A clip about Steely Dan will be posted. Someone will post:

DANFAN58
Cool, man. I saw them back in '78 and it was the concert of my life.

And be immediately answered with 30 posts along the lines of:

PUKEMAN
Steely Dan r teh SuXx0rzzZZZ!!!! Yoo R a FUKing n00b!

And the first guy is usually dumb enough to answer back, incurring a whole new hail of mental retardation in text message-speak.

Today I was dumb enough to answer back. But really, just because I wanted to get her story out anyway. Mind you, some people were genuinely concerned.

The comments:

shellyspeedy (6 months ago)

What type of tortoise is that? Is his shell ok?

EdLobster (5 months ago)

That is the most deformed leopard tortoise I've ever seen. Is he a rescue or something?

scritten94 (2 months ago)

that tort needs help its shell is really deformed dude

BlazeContara (2 months ago)

poor tortoise! :( What happened to his shell?!

bruceleetortoise (1 month ago)

that tort is messed up, you must get him to a vet to get some help!!!!

telecastga (1 month ago)

his shell looks like a dropped pie! thats a bad diet there.

JesusRiveraA (1 week ago)

there is something wrong there, what'a shell??? looks lik smashed potatoe

pornmankid (2 days ago)

I am disgusted in this clip.
Bruceleetortoise is correct.
Scritten its to late to put the shell right!
that poor tortoise needs a better home (if nto already)..before it gets worse!!

(sic)
Notice everyone assumes she's a male! Ignorant but sexist to boot!

My response (I had to send them to my site. Youtube only allows 500 character comments)-

For my friends at Youtube

Hi. Sorry I haven't checked in in a while. She is a Leopard tortoise.

You have astutely pointed out that her shell is not correctly formed. I am her 4th owner and her shell was irreversibly damaged by malnutrition by her first. At least the first owner surrendered her to N.O.A.H. (Northern Ohio Association of Herpetologists). She was then given to a family who had her for ~14 years. She escaped from her outdoor enclosure and ended up at the Lake Metroparks Penitentiary Glen Animal Rehabilitation Center and they gave her to me. I eventually met the family she escaped from and was able to learn her history.

I've had her for a few years and have not nor am I likely to see much correction in her shell. This is the 4th largest species of tortoise (I think) and her shell may correct a little if she gets large. However the damage to her shell may ultimately shorten her life if it affects the way she breathes or has otherwise adversely moved her organs around. Nonetheless, I have agreed to take responsibility for her and care for her to the best of my ability, probably for the rest of my life. She's not worth a nickel but someone has to love the ugly ones, right? She's a sweetie and I adore her.

Not that I owe an explanation to any of you, but she is as healthy as can be expected and she sees a vet regularly. Her full spectrum lights are changed every 6 months. Her diet for 18+ years was bagged frozen vegetables (at best) and now is fresh Opuntia pads, long grasses similar to her native land (I don't even feed her alfalfa as it is too high in protein) and some occasional fresh produce like dandelion greens (which I also grow at home for her). Yes, her beak was overgrown and her nails were allowed to grow too long by previous owners, but they have very long quicks (which means she would have to be anesthetized to cut them) and the vet and I are not comfortable with putting her under to cut them as her liver is probably not healthy enough to handle isoflurane. Therefore I give her the opportunity to walk on hard surfaces to wear them down. She was likely raised on carpeting. She now has a (secure) pen outdoors for summer and other warm days.

Thank (some of) you for being the passive aggressive, presumptuous, ignorant twits that I have come to expect from Youtube and keep me from participating in Youtube discussions in the first place.

For you others, thanks for your concern. When you visit pet stores, remember that you are taking on an awesome responsibility when you choose to take an animal home. Not only is nutrition important, but proper ambient temperature and often lighting as well. Here's some good advice.

Thanks

~Jimm

First day of Summer-One bunny's opinion

2007-06-27T08:00:00.001-05:00

The first evening of summer, Mr. Bunny enjoys some clover while taking in the perfume of the season's first Brugmansia blooms.

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Mr. Bunny does not like the noise the camera makes, but he is itchy. And right now, that is more important.

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After a good, hearty scritch, he tries to make a break for it.

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Horror washes over Mr. Bunny's face as he realizes he does not have his truck keys.

He uses his only defense- go tharn.

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Lucie watches all of this from the window. She takes a moment to ponder whether or not she would actually eat Mr. Bunny after she killed him.

Mr. Harvester watches this from the side.

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But she is also itchy. And right now, that is more important.

Mr. Harvester is grossed out.
you get the idea

A few weeks ago, someone attacked one of my big Maple trees.

The prevailing opinion by visitors has been that it was a bear.

But tiny claw marks indicate a smaller culprit. The best story I can come up with is that Pat was in town the previous evening. He and some friends came over to my house to hang out and drink lots and lots of beer. We went to bed that night with a few not-so-dead soldiers on the picnic table.

I'm pretty sure some raccoons came down, got drunk on the rest of our beer and picked a fight with the tree. I hope they lost, 'cuz the tree took lots of damage.

Or maybe he was just digging for bugs under the bark.

Either way, What a dick!

I've placed a temporary guard over it, with minor booby traps.

And I now see evidence of this happening in the past.

And now, the days grow shorter.

~Jimm

I've been a student of the internet for a long while

2007-05-06T15:27:00.000-05:00

I've had some trouble with these photos loading. Just keep refreshing the page if you can't see them. This new Blogger seems pretty buggy.

I now understand that to be taken seriously as a musician, image is everything. One must convey that one is a respectable musician by posing with one's musical instrument in proper fashion. So I'm like, "Hey, I got some banjos! I might as well become respected with them".
Please pay no attention to the amount of dust on the photo props.

Template number one: Your musical tool must always be held up, near your face. Cradle it lovingly and muster a look that conveys that you are 1. Pensive, 2. Contemplative, 3. Forlorn or 4. Holding back a fart.

Template One (a): Contemplative

Template One (b): Pensive

1b.

Template Two (stringed instrument only) : Loosen all of your strings and bend the shit out of them. Make it look like you didn't loosen them by grimacing or furrowing your brow. Here you see me casually executing a 5 half-step bend like I do it every other note on my (conveniently) scalloped fretboard. Too bad this photograph does not show that this instrument has stereo output jacks. This gets you Megapoints with the prog rockers. Of course I've owned this for about two years and I think I've plugged it in all of 4 times.

Template Two (B) would be to loosen the strings, bend the shit out of them, hold them with your teeth.

Template three (marketed exclusively to males): You must fret some exotic / esoteric chord that is pretty much impossible to whip into during a real live song without a 12-bar rest first to give you time to set up. Signify that this is easy by looking off in another direction like you didn't even notice you were doing it. In the picture below I am totally Jonas Hellborg. In fact, this makes the tendon in my arm hurt all the way to my gonads.
3.

Lastly, Template four: Hold your instrument as if it were your lover. Note the Susannah Hoffs eyes, the Mona Lisa smile, the Jimmy Durante nose. This is sultry, people. This conveys that music is sexual, and that you are a sexual being. It also relates your level of intimacy with the instrument, and therefore "way around it".

It helps if you can have a little caption or some dialog wherein you discuss how you instrument is metaphorically an animal or a member of the opposite sex or better yet, both. A good quote like, "Punch it and it growls"* or "It cries when you pick on it"* or "I can make her make sounds only a dog can hear" will get you far. Billy Sheehan in fact refers to his original bass only as "His Wife".

Now that I've taken the time to take these photographs I would prefer that you all treat me like a right proper genius of a musician. This is only the tip of the iceberg as far as ideas that are cleverly displayed with musical instruments in photographs. Perhaps in the future I'll explore hair-down pictures, general concepts of revolution and selling non-conformity for $19.99 a pop.

Some of my myspace friends

This blog is dedicated to John Myung of Dream Theatre who, no matter what, makes sure to bring his six-string bass to every photo session just to make sure you understand that he plays a SIX-string bass, even if he's the only one in the picture holding an instrument. Thanks John, for perpetuating the bass-player inferiority complex.

Prop specs:
1.) 1978 Fretless Music Man Stingray
I bought this bass purely out of lust. It's strung BEAD and is just the sweetest sound you've ever heard.

2.) Yamaha Billy Sheehan Signature Attitude Ltd II (or something like that)
I feel kinda stupid when I strap this one on. I respect Billy Sheehan, but don't really seek to play like him. I needed a nice, straight, clean fretted bass as my old Fender is dying (as they do) and I got a great deal on it. I don't think I could use this in front of people any more than I could drive around in a Viper. You're just announcing a small penis to the world. I couldn't do it. People see you with this bass and expect screaming pinch harmonics.

3.) c.1973 Fender Telecaster
I've had this bass since I was 11. It freaking screams. I love it. But it's sloppy and noisy and is becoming irascible with old age. I'm getting tired of having it overhauled every few years, which Is why I bought the Yamaha.

4) mid-1990s Fender Jazz Fretless purchased in a Jaco Pastorius-inspired catatonic-state that makes all bass players who, after hearing Jaco for the first time march to a music store in a drooling, zombie-like trance and purchase a fretless Jazz bass while having no earthly idea how to play it or pay for it. The music store guys can see them (us) coming a mile away, "Here comes another Jaco! Polish up the crappy Mexican J-basses!"

~Jimm

*real, honest-to-gosh text from guitar magazine advertisements

I struck a small child with my car

2007-04-05T15:32:00.000-05:00

Not even "Per't Near". I really plowed into him at 30m.p.h.

I wanted to wait and make sure I was not found at fault before blogging about it.

It's like this:

12 March07:

There are many paths for me to take home. They each vary in travel time by mere minutes.
I normally take the interstate home. It's actually the longest route, but least aggravation. I actually pulled out of my parking garage and went left toward I-90, then did a U-turn within 30 feet to go home more quickly on the more direct roads. Apparently I had a date with destiny I couldn't get out of.

For those of you who know the area, I took Cedar Hill to Euclid Hts to S. Taylor to Montecello. Don't ask why it was all higgledy-piggeldy, I kept changing my mind about what I wanted to do after work. Then somewhere between Taylor and Richmond a small child darted under my driver-side wheel.

Best I can tell, three kids were standing in the median where Montecello is split, ages 7, ~6 and ~12. They were between East and West-bound traffic. I didn't see the kids on the median because there was a car in the left lane a little ahead of me and the median was left of that. The seven-year-old ran in front of the left-lane car, but the woman driving it saw them and stopped in time. When she slammed on her brakes I saw her car disappear from my left peripheral vision and him diving at my car. I slammed on my brakes, pulled right out of the right lane onto the tree lawn and still hit him. He was hauling ass. I was going 30 mph when I saw him.

This last fraction-of-a-second evasive maneuver (as far as I can tell) prevented me from hitting him head-on and launching him through the air. I think I just glanced him with the front left quarter-panel.

There were a dozen kids around. 2 witnesses stopped including the woman in the left lane who almost hit him. The older kid with him picked him up and carried him to the tree lawn. He was conscious and there was no broken skin. His leg was broken though, for sure. We convinced the older boy that the kid shouldn't be moved, then one of the witnesses comforted the boy on the tree lawn while we sent the other 2 for his parents.

The Ambulance showed up and took him to Rainbow Babies & Children's Hospital and I filled out a police report and the crowd dispersed. I wasn't cited as there were many witnesses who assured the officer it wasn't my fault. They could not have been further from a cross walk or intersection and for the love of God I was in the right lane.

My week is basically wrecked when I hit a rabbit. Hitting a small child sucks in a way that doesn't really compare. Shakes you a bit.

As far as I can tell, he was treated in the ER and went home after a day or two. I don't think he went to the intensive care unit, so I assume he had no major organ damage, didn't need 25 hours of surgery or have a shattered pelvis, but there's no way of finding out unless they sue me.
My insurance company did a little investigation and did not find me at fault. And with indicators saying he likely just broke his leg in one or a few places, I'll assume we can all go on with our lives with lessons learned.

I'll keep you toasted

~Jimm

How's this for a Timeline?

2007-03-27T11:55:00.000-05:00

This is what happens when you are dumb enough to carry your birth certificate, social security card, irreplaceable Cinematheque membership card, and other important stuff in your wallet, then lose it in a shot & beer joint.

January 26th: Jimm goes to a bar commonly referred to as "Cock & Balls" in downtown Willoughby with friends Andy, Steve & Edd and sees his wallet for the last time. It's called Cock & Balls because no one can remember the name. It's a combination of two male names, Frank & Johnny' s or Frankie & Tony's. There are already many famous restaurants like that and no one can get them straight, so we just call it C&B's.

Early the week of Jan 28th: Jimm notices wallet is missing. Stops by Grocery store to see if they found it, kicks around in driveway.

The week of Feb 5th: Jimm says "Man, that fucker's really gone". Remembers that last place was actually C&B's not the grocery store. Stops by C&B's asks bartender about wallet, kicks around snow outside. Assumes wallet is in the 4' of snow in his driveway.

The week of March 5th: Snow melts in rest of the world, not Jimm's house. Jimm returns to C&B's to look around outside, checks with bartender again.

Week of March 12th: Snow finally melts at Jimm's house. Wallet does not surface. All is deemed lost. New Debit cards ordered.

March 21st: Jimm takes day off work for day of massive amounts of bullshit, trying to replace wallet contents.
Janine does same. She needed her license & birth certificate replaced so we both head up to Painesville. My family lived in lake county when I was born, but the hospital was in Cleveland and I must replace my certificate there. So Janine got her birth certificate ($16.50) and I filled out the Cuyahoga county birth certificate request form and we headed downtown.

There's nowhere to park, so I run into city hall at Lakeside & 6th while Janine tools around outside, circling the federal building, mostly.

Of course you can't get into city hall without ID, so you have to wait for a 107-year-old woman to ferry your stuff to the back offices.
I hand her the request form and say "Do I need to send a check back with you?". Of course they won't take a check without I.D. (I totally should have anticipated this). I said "My wife is right outside. I will go get cash from her." I run down the stairs, get cash from Janine and come back in and the old woman is gone. She's gone for 20 minutes. They don't give you a bench or anything to sit on. You just stand there in a velvet roped-off section and look at the fat, old, useless "security" guard (who isn't securing anything more than a pension). Eventually she ambles back and takes your crap back to the denizens of the Warlord State of Bureaucratistan.

Again, I'm left looking at the fat old "security" guard. My eyes now wander up to the big Cleveland mural on that back wall that proudly puts the Terminal Tower in the front and centered circle, the scene is monochromatic brown-grey and the surrounding buildings look like a prison. It is flanked on the right by the control tower of Hopkins Airport and the left (my right) by a multi-smoke-stacked factory, belching black-brown soot onto the rest of the colors of the mural. My heart swelled with pride (you can sort of see the bottom half of the mural in the image below).

Below, it was "Women's Month" or some such thing. Many posters and life-size cut-outs of people like Amelia Earhart and Eleanore Roosevelt line the sides of the huge rotunda. There were also many glass display cases in between the posters containing God-knows-what (probably diaphragms and Rosie the Riveter's actual mummified forearm). In the center of the large, open space that I could only long to walk into sat a woman at a cheap, folding-leg, school cafeteria-style table, very unsuccessfully selling raffle tickets. Next to her towered a huge cellophane-wrapped gift basket which contained (as best I could tell from my great distance) only Nascar ephemera. Mostly bearing the "#8" of Dale Earnhardt, Jr. (his surname be praised--*genuflects*). Nothing, to me anyway, says "Let's celebrate the achievements of women" like Nascar.

Of course they don't tell you what's going on while you wait. All you know is that you can't sit down while some corpse has walked off with your cold hard cash ($19). Maybe if I were allowed in the back, I would have been in line for 25 minutes. Maybe she was doing me a favor. Maybe she went to lunch. Maybe she got the geriatric green-apple-splatters and is in the John, signing hymns in between calling out to Jesus, Mary & Joseph with her panties around her ankles. I'll never know.

Eventually she creeps back with my stuff. I thank her kindly and wander out into the now-harsh sunlight to find my wife, running out of gas on Lakeside.

So we go back to Painesville to the Social Security admin. The place is packed. There is little more posted direction than "THIS IS NOT THE V.A. CENTER" though you wouldn't know it from the looks of these freaks. I decided I'd had enough paper shuffling for the day when I noticed that another, smaller sign said (You guessed it) Photo ID needed to get your SS card.

"Screw it" I said, "I'll send for it by mail or something".

We then went to the Chesterland BMV, where Janine was able to replace her License, and promptly left me to go to work.
While she was getting her stuff done I asked the BMV Counter Monkey how to get around the you-need-a-photo-ID-to-get-your-photo-ID roundabout. She said I could apply for my SSC, then bring back the form they give me, validating the request, and that would do to get my license. But I will need to get the SSC to renew the license or my plates.

I returned alone to the SSadmin and waited for only an hour. There were only 2 Counter Monkeys here and each person seemed to take 20 minutes or so. I just had to listen to the toothless, messy-haired, bedraggled lunatics bitch in the waiting room the whole time while children ran around unsupervised.

Back to Chesterland to renew the license. By now it's 4pm and offices are closing.

Thurs, 22 March: I replaced my I.D. card at work ($25) and tried to replace my Hospital I.D., but they moved the office and no longer have electronic record of my existence, nor do they have access to physical records that house my original paper request. Of course I had to wait a fucking hour in the office to find this out. Stopped at the mall on the way home and purchased a new wallet ($35).

Monday, 26 March 11:30a.m.: Jimm is leaving the Gym and headed for his new home-away-from-home, the sauna (when it's not full of fat naked men {besides me, of course}, when one of the Gym employees says, "Hey Man, how's it going?"

Oh, Good.

"Did You get my message last week, about some restaurant finding a wallet?"

No, messaging in my lab is retarded. Do tell.

"Frank & Johnny's or Bob & Tony's or something like that."

Cock & Balls, yeah

"They found it and the only phone number in it was on the 121fitness center card. You work at Case, right? I called the number on your account."

No shit.

Monday, 26 March 3:30PM, Jimm walks into Cock & Balls, retrieves wallet. The few bucks inside are, of course, gone, but all else is intact.

Now, I realise this is all my fault, and I took every opportunity to make each step and each situation worse, but I thought I'd share anyway.

'cuz, you know, it's funny.

I'm certain that this is Karmic retribution for 2 weeks previous to losing the wallet when a member of my party saw that a person at the bar dropped money on the floor and snatched it while I did nothing.

I can't wait until Hillary is elected and every trip to the doctor, every trip to the pharmacist and buying every tank of gas for your car is just like this.

Present your Papers, citizen!

~Jimm

James Brown

2006-12-27T14:26:00.000-05:00

Papa's Got a Brand New Bag

Thanks, Nick

Do our names predestine our vocations?

2006-11-30T17:16:00.000-05:00

Kim Mamrack, RN, is Lake Hospital System's breast health coordinator. She works with patients with breast health concerns at all Lake Hospital System facilities.

MAM

RACK

*snicker*

~Jimm

On the Activism Front--

2006-11-30T00:10:00.000-05:00

Order T-Shirt Here

Scott Adams reads my Myspace Page

2006-11-29T23:22:00.000-05:00

Or my Gmail. I pretty much have "When I was a kid, my only toy was a tetanus-covered stick" registered, copyrighted (copy-written? Coprophagia?) and trademarked. It's the only line I ever use that I actually made up and didn't steal from Steve Martin's "The Jerk".

click on image to enlarge

So of course this started a mad rush of people who needed to send this to me. Well, OK just a couple people. And one didn't actually send it, just "meant to". That's a veritable stampede as far as I'm concerned. I thought I could make it a little more correct with slight alteration:

click on image to enlarge

While we're talking about Dilbert I have to say that Wally is my personal hero and I strive to be more like him every day. I have to say I think I do a pretty good job.
I like Dilbert but I'm not a fanatic. It's consistently funny and his newsletter (DNRC) usually has something worthwhile to read. I've only recently noticed that Scott has uses uncensored language in his blog and the DRNC:

So there I sat, watching this DVD and feeling as if someone were slapping me in the nuts with a rake handle. The performances were spectacular, unfortunately, because that made the pain all the more real. And because the movie was well-made (in the same sense that the Boston Strangler was thorough) I felt some obligation to stick it out to the end.

My only criticism is that I miss Bob the Dinosaur.

Dilbert.com
DNRC

~Jimm

Yesterday at the bookstore...

2006-11-27T08:57:00.000-05:00

I found a book on Freud by someone named Peter Gay.

*snicker*

~Jimm

What is up Gary Busey's ass on Myspace?

2006-11-17T23:31:00.000-05:00

Dude is like Ahab. I mean, seriously, can a star's life be ruined by a fake Myspace page or fan tribute page? Are people collecting money, pretending they will give it to charity? Are other people dumb enough to send it? Are people networking to get into film auditons intended for Gary Busey, in hopes that the director either A) Won't realize or B) Thinks you're a better actor anyway? At any rate, fucking with Gary Busey on Myspace has to be more fun than speculating Abe Vigoda's current breathing status.

~Jimm

http://www.myspace.com/therealbusey

Imposters and Fake Gary Busey Profiles
Category: MySpace

I am presently having many fake profiles removed from MySpace. If you find a fake profile not on this list, please notify me so I can have it dealt with.

Thank you,

Gary Busey

http://www.myspace.com/714919
http://www.myspace.com/1503432
http://www.myspace.com/72099826
http://www.myspace.com/79025665
http://www.myspace.com/21409842
http://www.myspace.com/68432372
http://www.myspace.com/4113289
http://www.myspace.com/8458747
http://www.myspace.com/15179473
http://www.myspace.com/15188156
http://www.myspace.com/16568556
http://www.myspace.com/17347783
http://www.myspace.com/17618451
http://www.myspace.com/17833485
http://www.myspace.com/22264828
http://www.myspace.com/22598931

http://www.myspace.com/23422083
http://www.myspace.com/23571982
http://www.myspace.com/23572498
http://www.myspace.com/25372445
http://www.myspace.com/26348953
http://www.myspace.com/28186238
http://www.myspace.com/30845943
http://www.myspace.com/36776174
http://www.myspace.com/42690947
http://www.myspace.com/46921082
http://www.myspace.com/47103810
http://www.myspace.com/82809250
http://www.myspace.com/72098078
http://www.myspace.com/67017189
http://www.myspace.com/72098078
http://www.myspace.com/88652425

Just TRY to tell me Lemmy isn't the coolest dude on the planet

2006-11-17T12:58:00.000-05:00

Rockers to sponsor under-10 team Greenbank FC
The team runs out to Motorhead's Ace of Spades A Lincoln boys football team have won a sponsorship coup with a difference after striking a deal with heavy metal band Motorhead.

The Greenbank under-10s B team have the internationally renowned band's name on their shirts along with the band's motif - a skull named Snaggletooth.

The North Hykeham team also run out to the band's famous Ace of Spades track.

Team manager Gary Weight said the deal came about as he used to know lead singer Lemmy.

"It was from a bizarre idea one evening. I sent an email off to them and they came back and said it was a great idea.

The hope is that we can go out on the football pitch and terrorise the opponents Manager Gary Weight

"I knew Lemmy years ago and for him, I think the thought of a football team running out with the Motorhead logo made him chuckle a bit, so that's where it's come from," said Mr Weight.

He is hoping the deal will draw inspired performances from his team.

"The hope is that we can go out on the football pitch and terrorise the opponents and come away worthy winners," he said.

The junior players will have a team photograph taken with the band ahead of their Rock City gig in Nottingham on 19 November.

The team, which are second in the league, also listen to other rock acts, such as the Kaiser Chiefs and Coldplay, before games. http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/lincolnshire/6149606.stm

Since there is a teeny chance you haven't seen this yet-

2006-11-17T12:08:00.000-05:00

It's not like me to share something already so widely-known. But this is just that good. This is a video called "Kiwi!" and it's some dude's Masters project for his MFA degree. It's currently featured on Youtube and has had something like 2.6 million views. So I presume everyone has watched it. But I'll save commentary until after you've seen it, just in case you haven't.

I really don't think this was done for shock value. Sometimes doing the job right means you can only do it once.

MAN! What a lesson in pathos! I showed this to my bride. When it ended she simply exploded into tears, heartbroken forever and I'm basically a horrible person for ruining our night, and maybe our lives. We are sensitive people. And that is exactly how one should react--
This is why one reads! This is why we look at art! This is why we watch musicals and why movies exist! So that we may see ourselves, Dammit! And what a perfect score! Awesome music just sucks emotion out of you. I thrive on this kind of heartbreak. Let's me know I'm alive.

Janine points out that in 600 pages she couldn't be brought to give a shit about one character in Anna Karenina. But this little guy destroys your soul without a word.

You can wax philosophical about how to apply this to the human condition on your own time over your own beer, and I won't bore you with mine. I just thought it needed to be shared. This is not only a master's work in computer animation, this is a masters work in storytelling and film scoring. So simple yet so strong in 189 freaking seconds. So perfect from so many different directions.

Simply, beautiful.

~Jimm

30Nov06:
Silliness. Just noticed someone posted this on a cabinet at work. I am flattered.

There are worse conditions to have

2006-11-16T15:30:00.000-05:00

Anyone Snopes this?
~Jimm

Growing numbers of Japanese women are afflicted with an illness that gives them orgasms virtually 24 hours a day. And with suggestions that it could be deadly, the women hardly know whether they're coming or going, according to Shukan Post (11/24) (OH HO! Puns make the world go 'round!~Jimm).

"If a guy simply taps me on the shoulder, I just swoon. Even when I go to the toilet, my body reacts. I'm a little bit scared of myself," one woman sufferer tells Shukan Post.

Another adds: "When I got on the train one day, I could feel blood gushing toward a certain part of my body and it felt so good I almost let out a moan. It was sheer murder when everybody got pushed into the carriage."

Yet another woman has her say.
"Even the vibration of my mobile phone is enough to set me off," she says. "My friend said there's something called Iku Iku byo (Cum Cum Disease). I guess I've got that.

"What may be afflicting these women, the best-selling weekly says, is an ailment called persistent sexual arousal syndrome (PSAS).

PSAS has been described as an affliction that brings about orgasm through the slightest of jolts regardless of whether they're aroused,or even thinking about sex. What's more, orgasms experienced by PSAS sufferers are not just momentary phenomena, instead affecting women over anywhere from a few days to a week, with one reported case seeing 300 orgasms in a single day.

Awareness in Japan of PSAS -- which was first documented by Dr. Sandra Leiblum in the United States five years ago -- is growing, especiallyin the blogsphere, where it is being called Iku Iku byo.

Hideo Yamanaka, a doctor at the Toranomon Hibiya Clinic in Tokyo says the disease can be debilitating.

"For women to orgasm, they need to have some sort of sexual stimulation. There are nerves around the female genitals which react to sexual stimulation. The body gradually builds up to a crescendo,that ascends to a climax," the doctor tells Shukan Post. "However,with this disease, women are mysteriously reaching climax without any external sexual stimulation at all. One possible cause that I can think of is an irregularity in the sensory nerves.

"PSAS discover Leiblum says that the disease has a tendency to strike post-menopausal women in their 40s and 50s or those who've undergone hormonal treatment. But she adds that there have also been cases reported among women in their 30s, stressing that too little is know about the syndrome to pinpoint anything and adds that the nature of the ailment means that many sufferers may be too ashamed to report it.

PSAS numbers in the U.S. are high enough for support groups to have popped up, suggesting it won't be too long before Japan sees the same.

"Awareness levels are still too low," Jeannie Allen, the head of PSASSupport, tells Shukan Post. "I think there's a strong possibility thatthere are Japanese patients.

"Manga artist Akira Narita, who says he has slept with over 1,000 different women, says he has come across some he believes may have had PSAS.

"There must have been about 15 who came without me doing a thing. We'd only need to stare in each other's eyes and they'd start wiggling about, gripping tightly onto whatever was around them and their bodies would start to shake. There were others who'd orgasm repeatedly just because I'd stroked their hands," the self-professed sexpert says."I'd always thought of these women as types who got off in their minds, but I think perhaps they may have had PSAS.

"PSAS is not sex addiction and, considering the constant orgasms can be draining, can often be a painful and demeaning experience. Many sufferers are driven to the verge of suicide, prompting medical experts to recommend anybody who suspects they have the ailment to seek a doctor's advice immediately.

"Anybody who has the slightest suspicion," physician Yamanaka tells Shukan Post, "should get to a gynecologist or neurologist straightaway." (By Ryann Connell)November 16, 2006

http://mdn.mainichi-msn.co.jp/waiwai/news/20061115p2g00m0dm040000c.html/

Meanwhile...

BANGKOK (AFP) — A Thai zoo will show its star residents, a pair of young giant pandas, the equivalent of animal porn videos to teach the famously sexually-inactive animals how to mate, an official said Tuesday.

"We have to encourage them to mate, and the videos will show mating positions of male pandas and female pandas," said Kannika Nimtragol, a veterinarian at the Chiang Mai zoo in northern Thailand.

Six-year-old Chuang Chuang and his five-year-old partner Lin Hui, who arrived at the zoo in 2003 on a 10-year loan from China, were becoming "like a brother and a sister" as they lived together, Kannika said.

and now a scene played out nightly at my household

Pay Attention to MEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hey, hey...hey. You're writhing on my bamboo shoots.

"We have to make them a boyfriend and a girlfriend. So we will put them in separate rooms next week. Chuang Chuang can only see Lin Hui when she shows signs of feeling amorous," she said, adding that the zoo will show the couple the videos in December.
Kannika said Chuang Chuang showed no interest when Lin Hui became ready to mate in January last year.

"Like other male pandas, Chuang Chuang is only interested in eating, sleeping and playing, but not mating. This is the big problem," she said.

Giant pandas, notorious for their low sex drive, are among the world's most endangered animals.
Their traditional homes have been the mountains of central and southern China, as well as Myanmar and Vietnam.

But according to experts, their numbers have fallen to less than 1,600 in the wild, mostly in the mountains of Sichuan province in China's southwest, as their natural habitats have been destroyed by humans.

More than 180 pandas are in research centers in China, with a handful of others in zoos around the world.

Copyright 2006 Agence France-Presse. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.

~Jimm

If you, like me, know the heartbreak of biting into BBs...

2006-11-09T22:05:00.000-05:00

You can thank your lucky stars for this day. This is the day that you become aware of Season Shot.

Personally, I've eaten my share of BB-laden squirrels and fowl, and maybe a few fish. Maybe.

You'll be pleased to know that some industrious, entrepreneurial fellow has manufactured, or is about to manufacture shotgun shells that deliver a lethal payload of Cajun, Lemon Pepper or Honey Mustard Seasoning among others. This is just the latest of many great, relatively recent gastronomically-based inventions like the Cajun Injector, Turkey Deep Fryers and Turducken (God Bless the South, where we eat anything we find that hasn't been dead over 10 days).

He makes a pretty good point in that you do lose a bit of meat when cleaning shot from the animal and this is a much better alternative to befouling your food and its habitat with lead shot. Even so-called environmentally-friendly ammunition litters the landscape with debris to be ingested by wildlife.

I whole-heartedly support this.

Jimm, age 7 with a Beaver Pelt, Squirrel Tail and what I believe is the pelt of a muskrat-type thingy.

Jimm with his step-dad, John, holding a Big ol' dead Beaver and grinning like an idiot.

The Onion hasn't made me laugh in years.

2006-11-09T11:36:00.000-05:00

But this KILLED me!

My biggest complaint has been their lame political views creeping into their articles. I don't mind when cynical "humorists" depict everyone in government as a schmuck. But it has to be balanced lest you become a partisan stooge and a tool of a political party (Ya hear me, Trudeau?). Every once in a while one of these "balanced humorists" will lose the balance and start to show true colors and alienate half of his or her audience (Ya hear me, Berke Breathed??).

Now I hypocritically return to enjoy the Onion as they support a political idea near and dear to my heart in criticizing Nanny State politics. Thank God for those who know better than I and who seek to protect me from myself by legislating, legislating, and then legislating. Doesn't matter if it's seatbelts, smoking or pork rinds. We Plebs can't function unless a law has been passed and someone aside from ourselves can be made responsible.

The thesis is right here: The Flat Earth brand [is] "tailor-made for the small, vocal minority of health-conscious consumers who apparently can't just be content with salads, bananas, apples, or any of the literally thousands of fruits and vegetables already widely available."

link:

Frito-Lay Angrily Introduces Line Of Healthy Snacks

Quick! Astrological/Zodialogical Help Needed!!

2006-11-08T14:48:00.000-05:00

Today is my birthday and look at this!

NSO/GONG
Mercury Transit of 8 November 2006

CAUTION: It is exceptionally dangerous to view the Sun without the right equipment. Blindness or painful, permanent eye damage will result.

The transit of the planet Mercury across the face of the sun can be seen by the 4 GONG telescopes that are facing towards the sun during the hours of the transit.
Cerro Tololo, Chile; Big Bear, California; Mauna Loa, Hawaii; Learmonth, Australia
View the latest images

I'm sure this is a major celestial event! I don't know if I should play the Lotto or try to get laid! And I have to be home in time for dinner!

~Jimm

My Bride Reads "For Better or For Worse"

2006-08-25T07:32:00.000-05:00

Yeah, Yeah I know.

She's hopelessly addicted to serial comics. If she only has one minute to read the comics, she doesn't hit Get Fuzzy, Dilbert, or Sheldon. She reads 9 Chickweed Lane, Pibgorn, Luann and For better or For Worse. I guess as long as it's not Doonesbury...

As you may know, FBoFW is apparently a real (but fictionalized) chronology of the Canadian author's life and family. If it were not fictionalized, the main character would have to be depicted running to a drawing table and sketching after everything that happens in her life (well, in the early years before the production company made the strips for her). Also there would have to be a re-occurring story line wherein the main character has a fight with her husband about something from their private life (like his hooker addiction) that went into the comic. This story line should pop up every 8-10 weeks and last for 2. Like being married to David Sedaris or a guy with a blog who wants to discuss your comic-reading habits with the world.

This lead to an outcry when, in order to "keep it real" she killed off their dog Farley in 1995. What choice did she have? You can't have the kids grow up and go to college and still have the dog that was around when they were born. So Farley kicked it and Edgar came in immediately. All I'm saying is, Edgar is almost 12 years old. That's a pretty good age for an Old English Sheepdog. Will she have the balls to kill off Edgar or will the fan base flip out? Or are they all too jaded now? Will the media accuse her of trying to perk up sales by resorting to previously successful tactics? Or is she just keeping with the timeline? There was a "Remembering Farley" book. Will Edgar deserve one? Or will it be its own franchise then? Will my grandkids be able to pick up the box set of "Remembering the Dead Sheep Dogs From 'For Better or For Worse'"? There's so much to think about when you enter the world of the Patterson family. It's all crap anyway since we all know Canadians do nothing but sit around and badmouth Americans while waiting 14 months to get surgery for problems that are imminently life-threatening.

Farley is dead.

Edgar is old.

So, FBoFW now has this cute little bullshit feature on the webpage. Get this, the characters blink. Yep. They blink. No other movement. The faces all blink.

Great.

click this image to see honest-to-goodness comic blinking

Last night I said, "Why isn't this a part of our relationship that you try to hide from me?"

She said, "Why should I? You make no effort to hide your shameful hobbies."

"Like What?"

"Like listening to Van Halen!"

O.K. fine.

Marriage is about compromise.

~Jimm

Support the Farley Foundation if you live in Eastern Canuckia.

God Bless the Nanny State!

2006-08-23T15:49:00.000-05:00

We had a great poster show up in the bathroom at work. Now, this is purely conjecture, and really it means nothing; but I'm willing to bet my workplace mas more M.D.s, Ph.Ds and MD/PhDs per capita than your workplace. I am so glad the Feds at the CDC took the time to help us understand the importance and methods. What in the world would we do without the people who know better than we? Now we don't have to think! They will do it for us! Hold our hands! Chew our foods! Wipe our asses! At last it is all done for us! We truly are The Great Unwashed.

What we NEED is a sign like this that explains how to flush the urinal. Hey! Thanks for leaving your warm, rancid, stagnant piss in the urinal for me. I love it so much when it gets disturbed and atomizes into a mist that wafts up for my olfactoral enjoyment. Yeah, thanks for that!

Or maybe we need one that explains how to close the door to the stall that the urinal is in. Invariably, I march into the restroom with a purposeful gait, make a parabolic arch directly to the urinal and there's a dude in there. So I turn around and the dude coming through the door simply sees me leave a stall that has a dude in it. Is my life really a 3's Company episode?

Yes. Yes it Is.
These people are not dumb, they're assholes.
This might just explain George Michael's luck. I drink a LOT of coffee, people. We need to have ground rules.

~Jimm